I feel as though I’m breathing deeply for the first time in nearly two months. The last year has been one of my hardest yet and the multitude of transition has left me feeling pretty lonely. I have been in a funk of bitterness and anger, letting my heart harden a bit more each day. I’ve been pretty apathetic about grad school and my future career, not really sure if it’s what I even want to do. Thankfully, certain circumstances have caused my clinic placement to be switched up a bit and it has been the very best and hardest thing.I’m going to be a speech therapist. The majority of my job is spent getting people to talk. My job is to be on their side, their advocate, their voice when they have none. I’m just now beginning to feel that weight.
In the last two weeks I’ve become attached to some of these sweet babies in a way that is breaking my heart. For some, they are finally getting to a safe place. Others aren’t quite there yet. I’m learning their stories and my heart aches for them at the end of each day. All I want is to bring them home with me. The unfortunate reality is that I have my allotted amount of therapy time with them each week and that is it. But I can do my job in a way that builds trust and communicates how valuable, smart, and worthy of love they are. And in the process of loving on them in that way, Jesus is softening this hardened heart.
These precious little hands have experienced more hurt than anybody should ever have to, let alone a two year old. I have been brought to tears hearing the terrible stories and I have been so angry I feel like punching something. This is too much for anybody to go through, let alone a sweet baby like this. The last two weeks these hands have reminded me that Jesus is writing a story I cannot even begin to grasp but he is inviting me to step into brokenness and healing. I get to be a part of the bigger story and my small voice matters.
So wherever you are, whatever stage of life you’re in, I hope that you're reminded in the same way that I am: In the midst of messiness and brokenness, Jesus calls us his. He knows these sweet babies and he knows you. He is inviting us to go deeper, speak healing, keep showing up when it feels like there is nothing left to give. He is using it all. Beauty from ashes.